Displaying the swagger that had long been absent, President Bush triumphantly announced today that U.S. Special Forces had conducted a successful raid on the very heart of Al Qaeda’s training network: the terrorists’ notorious jungle gym.

Standing on the¬†deck of an aircraft carrier, and surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Bush asserted that “major strength and conditioning operations of Al Qaeda are over.”

The President further explained that satellite photos had revealed that every single al-Qaeda recruit had undergone basic training on this set of monkey bars, including the infamous female terrorist, Private al-Benjamini.